but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize