i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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