you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
