If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
