Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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