Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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