im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
