Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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