I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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