She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I want a musical about memes.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
