I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
