you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
