I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
