im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
