If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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