i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
