$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
is wine microwaveable?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
