we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
