My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
