Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
