I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
