i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
please don't ironically join a cult
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