Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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