They should really pass out barf bags in church
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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