How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
