Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
