I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
