I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize