we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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