i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
