If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize