her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
