so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
