they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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