My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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