Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
