The best revenge is premature balding
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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