oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
