Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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