I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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