I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
