Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
