I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
