i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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