I smell stomach acid.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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