____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
