Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
