If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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