At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Randomize
