I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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