Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Come on in and take your pants off
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