Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize