This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
