I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
