Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
