I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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