New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
