i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
