there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
