thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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