Do you still have your period?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
