Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
