Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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