A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
she told me i tasted like america
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
