I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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