In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize